Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Penpal Lover

I can't tell you how sick I am of these e mails. I get them all the time, but this one is just over the top. How do they make it past my spam filter and who on earth would be dumb enough to actually get suckered by something this stupid? I'll paste in excerpts from the e mail and then comment.

[From: Joy Kulibaly Edward. E-Mail:

Good to write you, I felg freatly impressed reading your profile and you have been the only person that I have begged for this help. And I strongly beleive that you will be of a very good help to me. ]

First of all, who the hell is Joy Kulibaly and what gave her the impression that she can trust me? Second, learn how to spell woman! Felg Freatly is so obviously misspelled, that it's obvious from the start that this e mail was typed out by some hacker thug trying to sound like an African mistress who can't speak English very well.

[I want you to believe me and come to my rescue, Is not really a proposal but I will say that I have a proposal for Mean while, I prayed to God before writing this letter, to asist me in getting a well reputable, honest and God fearing person to asist me on this.]

Hold up. Is the African thug proposing to me? Will my bachelor ways finally be coming to an end? *hope hope* ...and flattery will get you nowhere.

[You are the only person I'm writing on this matter. I will be your everlasting friend if you can help me on this proposal. I don't have any trusted person to do it for me following the death of my father. ]

Sure I'm the only person receiving this letter, me and a billion other random strangers who have their e mail addresses on every junk list from here to Calcutta.

[I also want to be your penpal lover if the deal can be work out find, I have a proposal for you, This, however, is not mandatory nor will I inany manner compel you to honour against your will.]

Penpal Lover???? What good is a penpal lover going to do me? And why is it dependent on this mysterious "deal" going through.

[I am Joy Kulibaly Edward. 22,years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs.Kulibaly Edward. ]

Sounds hot. Let's get married.

[My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet-(a cocoa merchant)who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad year 12th.Febuary 2003.]

Is there any other way to pass away in France?

[Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time. But God knows the truth!]

This is SOOO mysterious. It's like a bad spy novel, only without all the proofreading and plot.

[My mother died when I was just 4 years old, and since then my father took me so special.]

THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE SENTENCE!! Took you so special to the zoo? Took you so special on the couch? Do I need to call the authorities? Since we're getting married and all, should I be defending your honor?

[Before his death on Febuary 12 2003 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told him that he has the sum of Four million,Five hundred thousand United State Dollars(USD$4,500,000) left in fixed deposit account in one of the leading banks in Africa.]

The Bank of Lost Funds? The Bank of Genocide? The Bank of Ethnic Cleansing? Be specific woman!

[He further told him that he deposited the money in his name,and finally issued a written instruction to his lawyer whom he said is in possession of all the necessary but legal documents to this fund and the bank.I am just 22, years old and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do.]

A poor, defenseless girl with so much money. I should come to her rescue.

[Now I want an account overseas where I can transfer this funds. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast.]

What kind of set backs can you have with 4.5 mil in your bank account? You could BUY the freakin Ivory Coast with that kind of loot.

[The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life.]

It did?!?!?!? Next you'll tell me you get wet when it rains.

[Sir,I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards.Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded.]

As highly regarded as the ideas of a complete internet stranger giving one financial advice.

[Now permit me to ask these few questions:-

1. Can you honestly help me as your daughter?]

As my daughter?!?!? Whoa little lady. Just because your dad took liberties with you doesn't mean I'm willing to fill his shoes. Let's get back to that "penpal lover" and "proposal" stuff.

[2. Can I completely trust you?]

Not in the slightest.

[3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the money is in your account?]

How about all of it.

[If you can, we will know ourselves for ever.]

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?!?! If I let you send me 4.5 million we can know ourselves forever? In the Biblical sense? I'm so confused.

[I will be sending you my picture photos in my next mail. ]

Now we're talking! Nothing like a good set of redundant picture photos.

[I need urgent reply from you. If you promise not to disappoint me, I will not fail you in this new friendship. I hope being with you some day.]

She's such a tease.

[Please,Consider this and get back to me as soon aspossible. You can write me with this e-mail contact: ( ]

Oh, I'll be getting back to you alright. How else will I be able to post your fake photos to my blog?

[I hope that you will be a helper because playing around with this money may cost me to loose it. ]

My mom always said I was a good helper.

[I can confiled in you. write me so that I can discuss with my late father's financial advicer on how we can go about it. Thank you so much for your understanding.

Sincerely yours, Joy Kulibaly Edward.]

You certainly can confile in me, whatever that means. I'll be writing you asap.

Stay tuned for my reply to Joy's e mail...

1 comment:

Scott said...

You are firmly in the sweet spot of blogging with this group of posts. Ridiculously funny.